Saturday, August 09, 2014

The Fight Club

You know how many make a fight club? Don't think in 100's or even dozens. It just takes two. You and me. We are life time members renewing our membership every other time we get into a brawl.

It's been so many years since we started indulging in the club's activities. Oh, there is only one activity, I'm sorry.

There. There, I said it. The magical word, the conch that stops the war, the white flag that signals truce, the blue ink that is signed at the end of the treaty.........

I have never won a single fight. In fact, accepting defeat is the only way for me to win (that too, if you allow it). All these years, I have fought hard. Arguing to the last mile, coming up with creative logic behind why I acted in a certain way and defending myself to the core. But you know what, all this was not required. It has always been a win - lose game. No points for guessing who wins and who loses.

So, over the years, I have built some rules of the game. Note that these rules are for me to follow.

1. Your anger and fighting have no grand logical design. Even if the Grand Unified Theory is finally agreed upon by physicists, your laws of fighting remain outside its purview. So I need to stop looking for logic.

2. It could be something minor, almost stupid. Stupid only to me. My scale of measurement of stupidity is in itself stupid (per your laws). So, I have no right to judge your reasons for a fight. Every single reason you have for fighting are of enormous importance. Whoever coined the phrase "gravity of the situation", did not know that when it comes to your reasons for fighting, it is always Gravity with a capital G and the situation is always gravely.

3. A person who has done several unlawful things, he can think twice about surrendering. But me? Surrendering is the oxygen cylinder for me. Did they teach you what happens if there is no oxygen (talking to myself)?

4. Listening is a skill that I need to go get a PhD in. I am actively looking for universities that offer this course. I have to listen to what you are saying, what you are not saying, what you said and what you will be saying. (Words after parentheses to be considered as talking to myself) Sounds complex? Welcome to the Fight Club.

5. Patience is the golden goose I need to feed and grow in my backyard. Patience. (talking to myself, "please repeat twice after this sentence"). "Patience. Patience." I should do this as a Transcendental Meditation every morning.

6. In Mahabharatha, they say the war used to start at 6AM and pause at 6PM, only to be continued the next day. So what? Don't you know wars these days have become sophisticated? There is no pause till there is peace. And peace is not in my hands. Remember: It is always a win - lose game.

7. (Talking to myself) Don't think that giving a bunch of sweet-smelling, exotic roses would mean end of war. This may or may not mean anything. BUT, you HAVE to do this no matter what the outcome is. Remember: You don't decide anything. OK?

I will keep adding to this list as I grow as the member of the club. I repeat, these rules are for me to follow.

(Talking to myself) Check if the club needs a punching bag. If yes, become one.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Tuning in. Again.

(Picture courtesy - 

I was just going through the annals here. The things that were written for you or otherwise. It's funny to see how things were, then. The charm that the distance lent, the longing, the castles built out of togetherness, the warmth ........everything looks like the "writing on the wall" that got erased.

Exactly. The illusions that held us together are all gone. We are here today - together, working our way forward, missing the woods for the trees sometimes, but definitely smelling the nectar that lies hidden in the woods. Things are only beginning to get real. All the rose-tinted notions of what it means to being together have vanished and the reality looks refreshing. I am starting to see the real you and you are seeing a version of me stripped off all the unreal me. This is making me vulnerable but it is also injecting a great vigor. The vigor to grow - together.

The castles we built, then, look small to the real one's we are going to build. Stay tuned.

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Cup and The Tea

(Thanks for the pic:

A. Sometimes yes, if you ask me ….
Q. Have you ever thought of ditching me ?

A. Mostly no, if you ask me ….
Q. Have you ever thought of ditching me for someone else ?

A. Middle ground, if you ask me ….
Q. What the hell should I make out of Sometime yes and Mostly no ?

A. Black AND white is what I see. I am color-blind when it comes to either one of it, if you ask me ….
Q. Why can’t you tell me an answer in black OR white ?

A. Not both at the same time, if you ask me …….
Q. So you have thought of leaving me AND also thought of leaving me for someone else ?

A. ......blank look.......
Q. Do you think you are from Mars and I am from Venus, you bloody idiot ?

A. I cannot choose between black OR white, Mars OR Venus, if you ask me …..
Q. Why don’t you open your mouth and answer ?

Me - Mostly yes and Sometimes no.
You - You are an idiot.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Four hands on a piano

(Thanks for the pic -

You should take your hands away just when I am about to hit the same key. And we lose if we touch each others' hands. Game ?

What kind of duet is this ? Without even touching each other ? No.

Let us try. Let us see how well we are in harmony with each other. The music can suffer, but let us test it out.

I would like if my hands brush against you. Unknowingly, you know. But the hair on your hand that I so DISLIKE. Why can't you wax it or something ?

What ? If you don't like it why brush against it ? You should be playing the game well if you are so against the hairs on my hand.

Hmph. What shall we play ?

Blue Danube ?

Thoo. Stop pretending as if you grew up on waltz. Let's try the Punnagai Mannan theme.

Whatever. Let us try two versions. One, when you get to show your hate for the hairs on my hand. Two, when you sit on my lap and we play together - the proper duet.

Don't get ideas. I am not sitting on your lap.


Have you shampooed your hair today. It is so blissful. I am forgetting the music.

I did not. It is the natural fragrance of my hair.

Aw come on, I know the difference between a stink and fragrance.

You used to like the sweat and smell of me - all of it. Now what happened ?

Eh, those were the days. You liked the hair on my hands too. I mean, you liked all of me. Now what happened ?

Now you don't even want to touch while playing the piano.

Oh come on, this is just a game.

Those days - we were one, hand-in-hand and everything was music to our ears.

And now ?

Now, we are just four hands on a piano and the music suffers.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Waft of you

 (Pic: thanks -
Although my life has not wound up as black-and-white newsreel footage backed by a Shehnai in a minor key, I do have my cup of woes living away from you. I cannot readily tell you that I 'miss you'. Those days are over. It has become more subtle now. For example, these days I wake up and I don't look for you next to me. No, I am not going to say that lie again. I don't look for you in the morning. Neither do I look for you in the night. These days I mostly doze off the moment I hit the pillow. You don't flood my dreams, either. But I look for you when I am actually not looking for you. See, here, some word play (though every word is true):

"You are all that I did not look for. You are all that I did not know I will end up liking. You showed me what I should look for. You showed me why what I was looking for is not what is the best for me. You are all that I will not have looked for before. You were a white space.  You were all that missing pieces of me that I was looking for. You changed the meaning of many a words in my dictionary - when I was not looking."

But I no longer like the mushy way of missing you. I don't 'feel' that way. Why is it ? You know I have some grey hairs cropping up on  my head. You know I don't remember some things as well as you do. So, yes, I am growing a little old. But I don't want to lose the elusive magic of romantic love. That mad, addictive, foolish yearning. It is what is going to keep us going. You were some kind of an addiction to me for quite some time. I wrote this a long time back, when I 'missed' being with you:

"I am not able to share my life with anyone else. Not even friends. Going to lunch, dinner, movies is all fine. Oh yeah, add a pub/bar to it. But when I am at home, it is only you I can be with. I want to be. Even when I am with my parents, I sense some parts of me still yearn for you. It is not a sexual yearning. It is something I am not able to verbalize yet. These things have made me a bit un-social too. You are some kind of an addiction. I can't get over it. What if i get over it and find that i have got over with love too ? Danger. "

But see, the fact remains that I still yearn for you - only that the addiction has weared down. I don't fear I will lose you. I find a sense of peace with myself. On the surface I want some things to happen soon, but inside I know we have arrived. I know we are going to be together. I know we are going to walk together hand in hand into the sunset. A happy story is waiting for us. :)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Missing Pieces

(©2009 =karen5258 Source - Thanks!)

These days there are dreams. With you and without you. With you, it is mostly hazy. It is like those dreams are made of a thousand pieces. Earlier when I used to wake up, even if you were not with me, even if it took some time, I'd wake up all at once. Now I am afraid of missing pieces. Pieces of me that don't wake up with me. Give my dreams back to me. Or at least the parts you whisk away. I am afraid of those missing pieces. What if they come back to haunt me ? In a different time.

No matter how much you say you are for me, I am never convinced of it. Am I some idealization of a man you wanted to find but you never could ? Are you sure of what you are doing ? I am afraid. I am afraid of all these missing pieces - of myself, of answers, of you, of the future we dreamed together.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Woman. Freedom.

" I am coming over for the evening"

"No. Don't get ideas. I will leave by 9 ..... or if you are charming enough today, will extend by another half an hour."

"Arey, why should I ? I am not your wife. Stop treating me that way"

"Ok, it is getting late. Will call you before I leave. Pick up my call in the first ring"


"Not bad old man. You have fast fingers"

"Chi. Porikki. I should seriously think of cancelling the meeting"

"Will wait near the Park. Come before I get impatient and call you again"

"Hey I need to tell you something. Go home fast na"

"Oh come on.... For God's sake. I will never fall in love with you. I don't believe in that. It is about something else."

"Should we not buy some wine or something ? I am sure you have candles at home."

"What ? No romance crap. Was just being careful in case of a power cut. I can't stay in the dark with you. You dork."

"Scrambled eggs. Some rotis and butter chicken. This is what I am in a mood to make. Help me out in making it. Don't fool around behind me smelling my sweaty neck and twidding with my ears. Do some useful work. You lazy bum."

"Play some George Gershwin na. And see if those ice cubes are ready. Don't come with an empty tray and stand before me."

"Hello .... yeah ... oh no ... I am with him. Will talk later, dear. Yes he is fine .... sure ... bye"

"Hmmm. Why does she bother about you. .... Stupid girl"

"Envious foot. Just that I don't like some random girl asking about you."

"Can we lower those shades ? And keep the AC at 23."

"Yes yes. Good that you reminded me. Will tell you when we sit to dine"

"This wine is so smooth ya. Not like that shit you drink every other Friday."

"Oh gawd .... let me rephrase it - not like that urine that you drink every other Friday. Ha ha ha"

"Is that 'Someone to Watch over Me' playing ? Ah ..... if there is something I can spend my fortune on, it will be wine and music"

"Yes. Yes. It was something important. Don't ask me. Will tell you when I am in flow."

"No ..... I think it is tight. Have put on weight.... Wait, don't tear it, you wild tiger. I will remove it myself"

"Mm ... Well. I am bored of this sequence. You are becoming predictable"

"Ha ..... I know where you start and where you end. And the 2 or 3 different paths you take. Unimaginative dork."

"Chi ... I love you."

"Did I ? Must be the wine. I take back my words. I don't love you."

"I just cut my nails yesterday ya. Cannot claw you like that. You want some teeth magic ?"

"Yes. Yes. It was an important one. Are you done ?"

"No. I had fun. You want more ?"

"Yes. Yes. Will tell you now."

" I am thinking of getting married"

"Come on, not you. Not in this lifetime. You are not charming enough"

"Well. I am thinking. Should post a profile in some Matrimonial site soon."

"Ultra milds ? Give me a drag na............ This is bliss"

"Its already 2.30. Let me get some sleep. Have a meeting at 10."

"Pass me that ..... Should get a bigger size na. It is getting tighter. Not able to hook it easily"

"Sleep, dear."

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